Get out from the shell

Assalamualaikum

Sometimes, I don't know who I really am. Sometimes, I feel like the whole world is watching me, judging me. The clothes I wear, the things I said, the way my lips curve up into a smile, the way my gum shows way too much when I'm laughing, the way I sneeze, cough, eat, munch, and just, everything! I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of... Maybe I'm scared of not being perfect?

I know. Nobody's perfect, and I believe in that. Yet, why can't I believe in myself? Mama is right, I don't have self-confidence. But I think I do. Sometimes.

Obviously, I'm wrong.

I just, I don't know anymore. I really hate myself for being such a nag when my shirt/blouse is crumple or wrinkle. MY GOD. WHY SHOULD I EVEN CARE ABOUT IT WHEN EVERYONE COULD CARE LESS?!

THAT'S IT. I'M DONE WITH IT.

I just don't want to care anymore! I just don't want to have a hard time choosing the (so-called) perfect cloths or accessories or hijab or shoes or bags or freaking colour coordination to wear because sometimes, I don't feel like myself. And when I don't feel like myself, I'll talk less and the only thing that I think about is (are) "Is this blouse really okay? Is it even appropriate to wear this? I should go home and change and never come back. No, maybe this is okay. Head up, just walk and calm down. Why is she staring at me? And that person looked at me as well! Am I overdressed?" and bla bla bla.

Just writing those make me want to puke and just get rid of that very selfish attitude out from me!

From now on, from this very minute, (Sunday, 8th January 2012, 6:51pm) I'm gonna change the way I- wait, how do I put this into words- the way I spend hours trying to find the exact outfit to go with the day? I don't know, maybe that will work.

The thing is, I think I should care less about those people I don't even know they exist and start dressing up for the sake of Islam, for the sake of Allah, the good name of my family, my parents and most importantly, for the sake of the people I love and care.

They have faith in me and why can't I have faith in myself?

Thank you for believing me, thank you for being with me even I'm all sweaty and my outfit is just so damn outdated (...what?)- just, thank you so much :) *lap air mata and hingus meleleh leleh eeee*

Okay.

That's all that I wanted to nag write about. I feel soooooooo relieved!

" :) you are pretty to me and whatever you're wearing looks great to me :) i tak kisah if you simple and i pun tak kisah if well dressed :) just be yourself okay :)  to me, you're more than gorgeous ;) :* "